There’s a woman I want to be, until I reach it, I have work to do

Its such a struggle to change parts of yourself to become who you wished you were. One thing I try to remember is we are all products of our unique upbringings and the experiences that shaped us along the way. So the question that keeps echoing in my mind is: how do I effectively erase the very things that made who I am, in order to transform into the person I deeply aspire to be? Hmmm, million-dollar question??

My upbringing was challenging to say the least. Although I do realize, with a touch of gratitude, that it could have been worse. Many others have faced journeys far more challenging than mine. But this is my journey, and there's no changing that.

My sister and I are products of two kind yet very selfish people, hardly capable of taking care of themselves, which ultimately hindered them from properly caring for us as children. My father left when I was two years old, a fact that weighs heavily on my heart, especially since it all happened just before my sister was even born. My mother, while physically present, was battling her own struggles that stood in the way of her being the nurturing mother we so desperately needed. Because of this lack of stability, my sister and I bounced from living with aunties, back to our mother, then to our grandparents, rinse and repeat, until we finally moved out on our own as young adults.

My sister and I went through a lot of tough times growing up in this challenging environment. Life was definitely easier when my beloved grandmother or a caring auntie would take us in for a while, offering us some relief, but they always ended up giving us back to our mother. My mother loved us deeply, but she just couldn’t care for herself properly, let alone manage the needs of two spirited girls like us. Nonetheless, we may not have had a stable childhood home to grow up in, but we always had each other, and that bond meant the world to us.

I don’t discount my blessings at all. We were fortunate to have loving elders who took us in during tough times, and because of their kindness, we were never put in the foster care system. Their kindness showed me how important it is to help those in need. Growing up in a strict Baptist family meant that we attended church every single time the doors were open, instilling in us a deep-rooted faith. Because of this guidance, we knew Christ from an early age and grew up with Christ firmly in our hearts, shaping our values and outlook on life.

I have four wonderful children now and, every single day, I thank God for the immense gift they are in my life. Being a mother has truly unlocked a beautiful part of my heart that I had tightly protected for so long. However, growing up with so many caretakers around me, I never really understood how to be the kind of mom I wanted to be. Honestly, I felt like I was just winging it the whole time, trying my best without a clear guide. I often reflect on my journey and feel that I made more mistakes than I did good, or at least that’s the way I tend to judge myself as a parent. But amidst the chaos, there’s so much love and growth.

I am undeniably a product of my upbringing, shaped by every twist and turn along the way. My childhood was a whirlwind of chaos and instability, leaving me feeling as though I was navigating through life without a map. Even though it was never intentional, I often felt neglected and abandoned by my parents, who were caught up in their own struggles. Thankfully, the loving and caring elders in my family provided our essential needs, and they took us to church where the seeds of faith were sown, but we still missed out on many experiences that could have contributed to a more stable upbringing. Because of the challenging experiences I encountered while growing up, I’ve become quite controlling, fiercely independent, and stubborn. Yet, my journey into parenthood, even in the role of caring for my sister, has imparted the vital lessons of being nurturing, selfless, empathetic, and protective. As a follower of Christ, I strive to embody forgiveness, honesty, and generosity toward others. All these adjectives used to describe me represent some of my strongest characteristics, woven into the fabric of my personality. However, I desire to be less controlling and stubborn, yearning to embrace a more flexible approach to life, reach out to others in a genuine way, and reduce the degree of my independence. I tend to overthink and overanalyze just about everyone’s moves, actions, and intentions, often getting lost in a web of my own thoughts and worries.

But the most challenging part of all is learning to Let Go. Fear often holds me back from truly experiencing this freedom. If I were to let go of the control I cling to so tightly, what might happen? Would I be taken advantage of by others? Would I face harsh judgments or criticism? If I release this grip on control, could it lead to someone I love—or even myself—getting hurt in the process? Control has proven to be the hardest aspect of my life to relinquish. I recognize that I am very much a work in progress. They say the very first step to change is realizing that you need to change. I guess that means I am currently standing on step one of this lengthy journey.

CL